Busy, Busy, Busy

A Trauma Response?

Talking about our trauma is important.  However, it does make people uncomfortable. I would really like to change that narrative. We hide trauma behind many things because truth might hurt others, or you might have to admit it happened to you and we carry a lot of shame. So many reasons. How can we heal, without facing it? It is complex.

One of the ways I hide is through busyness. For decades I have taken busy to another level entirely. Think about overachievers who drive you nuts with all the things they can accomplish, and you might see my face if you have known me a long time. Honestly, I have accomplished A LOT under serious adversity and tragedy.

Let me give you one scenario in my life of busy. When my kids were young, they played soccer. Someone said that coaches were needed, so I signed on to coach both of their teams. I coached for ten years.  They really needed board members on the soccer association. So, I signed up.  Some of the kids couldn’t make it to the games, so I went and picked them up. Same for tournaments and parties. They needed refs, so me and both girls took the classes and became referees. Adult teams needed players, so I signed up to play myself.  We all three played indoor and outdoor soccer. At the same time, I was volunteering at the church several times a week.  We lived out of our car or van, and we did have a blast. There were, however, consequences of that busy season.  Injuries…. several broken arms, several knee surgeries and other injuries, hiding loss with activity, eating lots and lots of fast food, drinking lots of Starbucks (an addiction I am just now working on deflating) and so many other things.

Let me caution you, it is an emotional trauma response even if I did achieve good things. And it is not that I am not proud of my accomplishments, I am. Especially my children’s accomplishments. Looking back, I wonder what I missed in the process of being busy. I know I missed healing. I am certain I missed some good parts of my children’s life and maybe deeper conversations into their souls. I also know I kept them busy too and very well could have afflicted them with this dealing with their own traumas in life.    

The other day I was listening to this truly emotionally riveting, incredibly insightful book on audio; What My Bones Know by Stefanie Foo.  Pretty sure I will be relistening to this book a lot, and I just bought the hard copy so I can underline the parts where I just flat was flabbergasted at my response to her reality and her journey to healing from complex trauma.  Oh. Wow. Yes. Heartbreaking. Truth. Oh. Ouch. Maybe? Interesting. Lightbulb. Holy Crap. She recognizes her busyness accomplishing greatness as a trauma response and looking back on my own life, I concur.

Dare I say busyness is a response to my trauma? It quiets the voice of the past when I am in a downward spiral. It brings validation and approval that has been a desperate need in my life. If you are busy, you can avoid dealing with trauma while impressing those who see you with your accomplished life?

After exiting from the crazy, tornadic whirlwind of a narcissistic abuser I sat in a place of complete catatonic immobility. In English that means unbalanced and immovable.  That was me. It is part of Complex PTSD, which just means you have suffered through trauma over long periods of time. It felt like hitting my head against a brick wall hard and trying to refocus my vision, my thoughts. I would sit for hours in a trance, sometimes in my car.

Over months and months, I began rebuilding my life, rediscovering myself, and seeking wisdom about what had happened to me. Honestly, that work is still fleshing itself out. When you wake up from a comatose state, things are different.  You can never return to the life you left behind, at least not as the same person.

Sara Groves sings a song called Painting Pictures of Egypt. The lyrics say this:

I don’t want to leave here, I don’t want to stay, it feels like pinching to me either way. The places I long for the most are the places where I’ve been, they are calling out to me like a long-lost friend. Its not about losing faith, its not about trust. Its all about comfortable when you move so much. And the place I was, wasn’t perfect, but I had found a way to live. It wasn’t milk or honey but then neither is this.

The past is so tangible, I know it by heart.  Familiar things are never easy to discard.  I was dying for some freedom but now I hesitate to go. I am caught between the promise and the things I know. I’ve been painting pictures of Egypt and leaving out what it lacks.  The future seems so hard, and I want to go back. But the places that used to fit me, cannot hold the things I’ve learned, those roads were closed off to me while my back was turned.

Awakening to an unrecognizable self was a rude one.  People who did not really understand what had happened to me kept saying things like, “I miss the old Susanne”. Hate to break it to you but that Susanne, although gracious and giving and willing, has had to redefine herself.  I could no longer do many things and busy was one of them.

In fact, I had to become methodical about the things that I placed on my plate. Unraveling the damage of four years of a winding, tightening tether ball around my soul is a slowing process. The already unhealed self underneath also came tumbling out and now I had no choice but to deal and heal.

Those of you who have been through this can relate right?  Did you say yes to everything? This might not be your go to trauma response, but I am sure there are other ways you hide from it.

Several years past the most recent abuse and I am still working on it.  Too much activity brings anxiety I do not yet understand.  I have calendars and lists that I follow, and I have big chunks of down time to reprogram and refresh my soul. I still have other ways that I hide, but, when busy comes knocking on my door, I now have tools to help me. I literally check my calendar. I make sure that I can do the necessary things first and that adding one more thing doesn’t send me into overwhelm.

Are you busy, busy, busy, and struggling to figure out how to slow down? Have you thought about it being a response to your trauma?

Here are suggestions on breaking down your busy and building a more balanced you.

• Say “NO” to the things that keep you from what you love. No is in the dictionary.
• Say “Yes” to things that matter.
• Recharge your soul like you recharge your phone.
• Prioritize your non-negotiable tasks.
• Reduce time on social media and television.
• Set aside blocks of time that are for refreshing, repairing, rebuilding, restoring your soul.
• Schedule it if it is important.