THE ELEPHANT

My mother used to say, “nobody ever notices the elephant in the room.”

Interestingly enough she was originally fooled by charmers like I was. In fact, having known my last abuser, when he was a teenager, she and other members of my family thought, “He is one of the kindest people I’ve ever met.”

…and for almost 2 years he was…. I said trepidatiously…

The scales begin to fall off of your eyes…And the last two years it was a fight for survival.

The Elephant is the one that we ignore, we placate, we think that’s absolutely not possible because we have so much faith in humanity. You misunderstand. It’s a lack of communication. He means well. I’m standing here as a skeptic.

The elephant is handsome. He is charming. He is helpful. He is determined. He knows the Lord. He praises you with compliments. He smiles at you so tenderly. He was made for me for such a time as this. He is incredibly talented in every way possible that you need him to be. He’s your hero. Or is he…… the incredible amount of lies that were told would fill a book..

Are you doubting yourself more these days? Are you as confident as you were when it started? Are you giddy as a school girl, and so excited, it’s like your first date ever? Do you rush quickly into marriage? Do you rearrange your entire life for this person, Including who you are? Have you lost some of your joy? Are you feeling financial pressure or spending your money to do things for them? Eventually, it feels like you’re selling your soul.

These types of men weasel their way into vulnerable women’s households. Desperately wanting to be loved and cherished. They kill you with kindness, and then slowly, ever so subtly, begin the tearing down of your soul. And it’s so gradual, nobody can see it. And nobody believes it, until you’re not yourself anymore. These men begin to criticize you and they also begin to elevate themselves as your savior. I’m better with money. Let me handle it, especially now that we’re married. Financial control. They do it with kindness. Why don’t you wear this dress, it makes you look beautiful? Control. I like a girl with a little meat on her bones. Identity. I want you to come to my place. Your place has too much family. Isolation.

Besides myself I have watched women become easily swayed by machvelien men. Machiavellian” describes people or actions characterized by cunning, deception, and the manipulative use of any means to achieve goals, often disregarding morality. ( This can also be women…)

I’m feeling really raw about this for a few reasons.

1. I know a woman going down a very dangerous path and she is completely blinded by her vulnerable desire to be needed and loved. She will not listen to reason. And I feel this path is one that a friend of mine is already on as well.
2. My body and spirit feels red flags. In my bones yes, and in my spirit it’s like a weight. I know sometimes when I go into a hypervigilant state, I have to be watchful that i’m not being judgmental of someone who doesn’t deserve it. And that also anguishes my soul.
3. Abusers know instinctively who they can manipulate. And that includes family, friends, church members etc. They isolate the ones they can’t manipulate or they leave the situation altogether if they’ve been found out. Or they criticize the ones they know might get in their way. They will take the longest road possible to avoid it. They think very highly of themselves. Family friends and church members can be blinded by their love for the other person and their love for Jesus. So when I feel the red flags shivering down my spine, I again feel like i’m the one isolated because we just want to all get along and make them feel apart, and it is all for Jesus or to save face in the family, or because we just can’t believe it’s possible.

But God absolutely knew it was possible and he warns us in 2 Timothy 3:1-9

“But mark this: There will be terrible times in the last days. 2 People will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boastful, proud, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, 3 without love, unforgiving, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not lovers of the good, 4 treacherous, rash, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God— 5 having a form of godliness but denying its power. Have nothing to do with such people.6 They are the kind who worm their way into homes and gain control over gullible women, who are loaded down with sins and are swayed by all kinds of evil desires, 7 always learning but never able to come to a knowledge of the truth. 8 Just as Jannes and Jambres opposed Moses, so also these teachers oppose the truth. They are men of depraved minds, who, as far as the faith is concerned, are rejected. 9 But they will not get very far because, as in the case of those men, their folly will be clear to everyone.

Eventually…

4-9 describes my last abuser perfectly.

So as i’m sitting here pondering current situations i’m deeply concerned for these women. I’m not offended at all that one won’t talk to me because I called it out and warned her of this horrible road she’s going down. I know what it took for me to see it. I’m hurting for her.

I’m not offended that I’ve been criticized for things that I know that are not true, i just feel the weight of the criticism as manipulation and that tends to settle into my bones and I have to flesh it out.

I’m prayerful that my hypervigilance is not founded in truth and that she will live happily ever after and the other situation is a misunderstanding or a communication problem. That would be incredibly refreshing.

I’m prayerful that everyone involved in both of these situations find safety, unity, and a deeper relationship with Jesus.

I appreciate y’all listening. Pray for me as I flesh this out, seek the truth, live in the posture of grace, and stand boldly, with honesty and truth in love.

Elephants are the largest mammal in the world and they can run twenty five miles an hour. That is some serious poundage and centrifugal force barreling through the room. Let us not be the grass under those massive feet.

Ignoring red flags fosters the chaos. Confronting red flags brings peace to the storm.

Stay Beautiful

Susanne